Positively Phoebe

So, the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions (or "chemotions" as Lacey called them), information, struggle and for me - a lot of confusion about where to fit in, how to be the most useful, and what exactly I am feeling in my role as a recent cancer survivor, close friend to Lacey, and huge Spencer fan.  The conversations I've had with some of my own caregiver team (Ryan and my mum) have at least somewhat helped me to sort out what is going on in my own head and heart. Because I spent a lot of time, between getting the news Friday and going to brunch on Sunday, working on Team Spencer designs for the Cafe Press shop I set up to help raise money for Spencer, Ryan was getting sort of concerned that I was obsessing over the designs and making myself more upset.  Through some tears and a lot of thinking and explaining, I managed to not only get him to understand, but also understand myself, what I felt like I was accomplishing with the creation of these designs....

This past Wednesday, I decided that the best way to spend my day was to use some more of my vacation time to go and be with Lacey and Spencer as they went for Spencer's blood tests and doctor visits.  I didn't want her to be alone after the way things seemed to be going.  (i.e. Bad numbers going up and good numbers going down and an official leukemia diagnosis getting closer and closer.) Turned out, I was glad I went.  Not because Spencer puked on me and made my hand smell like a rotten hot sweet potato for a while.  But because at the end, as the doctors were wrapping it up, I pushed Lacey to ask the questions she had been wanting to ask about how the chemo treatments would go if/when they decided that was the way to go.  She had told me she had what she deemed "stupid" questions about things like jammies and time frames and all of that.  Well, I knew from my own experience that NO questions you might have are stupid and that the more you know, the easie...

Last Wednesday, I was having a rough time.  I posted a pretty miserable post here, which I have since deleted (so if you saw it and then didn't see it, you're not going crazy).  I just did not want to let the things that were getting me down turn me into that negative, hateful person again.  I didn't like the reaction I had to the situation and so I did what I needed to do to resolve it. I took Thursday off work.  I've heard people say "Mental Health Day" before, but I had never actually experienced one before last week.  Can I just say that if you have the ability to do this when things are screwy in your own brain, I highly recommend it. I started out by visiting my friend, Jess and her daughter, Harper on Thursday morning.  We had breakfast and caught up and then Jess touched up the teal streaks in my hair and gave me a little trim.  So I started my day getting prettied up AND enjoying some friend time with Jess and adorable baby time with Harpe...

Phoebe is officially one year cancer-free!! We got "the" letter from the clinic yesterday afternoon.  I'm not going to lie, the waiting for news like this is still difficult. I have to pretend I'm not thinking about it constantly and hoping I get a call from the wife that says "ALL GOOD!". I know she's fine, but it's still hard. It is getting a little easier every time, and I think this one-year anniversary is a big milestone. We are both slowly regaining full-function (or dysfunction as the case may be) and momentum, she is making amazing art again and learning a language on top of her regular schedule... I am back to building bikes and cars and microphones and various other odd things, my focus has returned, I am working on getting a service garage open in the near future. The nature of our relationship has changed because of this whole thing, and while I certainly won't give this cancer shit an A+ rating as a "life experience...

Oh, the bank thing. The stupid, stupid bank thing. After filling out the fraud affidavit and ordering a new debit card on Thursday, I awoke Friday morning BEYOND sick.  Decided to do the "right" thing and stay home, rather than risk further exposing my coworkers to whatever crud I've got going on.  But due to my penniless situation, I asked them to at least call me when our paychecks were written (yes, I still have to wait for an actual, physical paycheck - my job is in 1942... no direct deposit here!) so I could get the check deposited in time for it to clear Saturday, when my Verizon bill was due.  They called.  Ryan drove me to pick it up.  I made the deposit.  Worries over, right?  Pffffffffffft. Wake up this morning and check my online banking to make sure it cleared... Well, it did - but it was seriously depleted by a variety of overdraft fees and whathaveyou from charges I'd made before the charming thieves have stolen everything I...

On days like today... days where: 1) Both Ryan and I seem to be half-fighting off some sort of nonsense sore throaty, achy bonesy, burny sinusy, itchy eary thing that just won't either take us down or leave us be, 2) some jerk in California steals my bank card numbers and empties my account via ATM, and 3) the little jack where I plug my charger into my cell phone BREAKS and makes it impossible to charge anymore... thus necessitating the purchase of a NEW phone that I cannot afford (and will not be delivered til Friday). It's days like this when I have to take pleasure in the little things... One of those little things making me smile right now is actually the memory of something that happened on Sunday that I wanted to share at the time, but forgot.  I was on my way to the supermarket and was merging onto I-90 West from West 150th.  It's an obnoxious merge, because you end up merging into an exit only lane for McKinley Avenue which is like 5 feet after you get on...

Yeah. That whole multi-part catch-up idea sort of went out the window with the stress of the holidays and all  that came along with them. So, to hell with catching up. You don't really need to know every stupid detail of what I've been up to over the past couple months, right?  (I promise you, it hasn't been thrilling at all.) You know what IS thrilling, though?  At least... as far as I'M concerned?  Tomorrow. Yep.  Tomorrow I go for my next 3-month check-up with my Gynecologic Oncologist, Dr. Kebria.  This will be my 4th 3-month check-up.  You guys are good at math, right?  You know what 4 times 3 months is, right?  Yeah.  That's it.  A YEAR! Since my last post, I hit a lot of my little "anniversaries".  A year since I finished chemo on December 12th.  A year since I finished external radiation on December 14th.  AND, a year since my last brachytherapy (read: last cancer treatment EVER) on January 3...