Positively Phoebe

...then hell is in me.  In my ass, to be precise.  At least, that would explain the fire going on back there. Yeah.  Remember when I was bitching up a storm about my "legpits"?  Well that was an effing cakewalk compared to this.  Somehow I guess I thought that once external radiation was done, things would start getting better down below.  Oh, Stupid Phoebe.  How you could not have been more wrong.  Since that much anticipated day a week ago, things in the side-effect area have gotten nothing but a bazillion times worse.  The raw red skin and weeping gray blisters that once tormented me up front have now taken up residence in the crack of my ass.  And, uncomfortable as it may have been in the front, I could at least make some effort to cool off/dry out the legpit blister-thon by laying like a starfish, limbs splayed as wide as possible in every direction with various and sundry pillows propping up this or that.  But you know what?...

Sorry for the lack of updates since radiation finished. The pain, discomfort and fatigue make doing ANYTHING a far more monumental task than it should be. Including just sitting up. I promise to back more normally once I have even a little more energy. Love love, Phoebe

...because this post deserves it. I am DONE with the external radiation.  Done.  Brahytherapy starts next Monday, but for now, I am done.  4 days off to start healing. I really wish I had more energy right now, but I will just have to postpone gushing about the awesome folks at Radiation Oncology until I'm feeling less shitty. But I'm done. Done. Done.

I feel like hell today. But tomorrow is my last external radiation! And today is my last after-chemo-sickie-Tuesday! So I feel awful. Exhausted. Burnt. But at this time tomorrow, i'll be done with this part! Wow.

With 20 radiation treatments down and 5 to go, I am really trying to stay upbeat and positive.  I mean - I'm almost there.  A week from today will be my first day of being DONE with part one of this treatment.  That's pretty awesome.  But it's hard, at certain moments, to stay positive.  I can't help thinking how much easier this would be if I'd managed to get cancer in a less humiliating area... Somehow, when the doctor told me that the side effects of this radiation would be mostly localized, the fact that everything "down there" would be in misery didn't really penetrate.  Somehow, it never occurred to me that I would have to take a shower after pooping, because the simple act of wiping my poor, fried butt would just be too painful to bear.  Or that just walking down the stairs would bring a tear to my eye because my "legpits" would be filled with blisters.  Or that I would be in possession of so many ointments and salves and goos to smea...

And if not, what the hell do you call the leg-crease-liner equivalent of the armpit? Well... whatever it's called, mine are my new enemy.  Thus far, my side-effects have been mostly vague things like nausea and fatigue.  Well that's all changed now. I was told from the very beginning that (aside from fatigue) the radiation side effects would be "localized".  The bladder and bowels would be irritated and I'd end up losing hair (not the sort one needs a Sammy Hagar wig to cover... but rather would send one merkin shopping instead) and having a sunburn-like thing going on. Yeah.  That was putting it mildly.  Aside from the free brazilian and the four-alarm fire in my entire nether-area, I also now have horrid blisters forming in the aforementioned "legpit" area.  Painful ones.  Like, walked around Disneyworld for twelve hours in a new pair of Doc Martens ones.  Some of the blisters have blisters.  I'm not even exaggerating.  The mag...

Today I've had more problems with my chemo appointment than before. My white blood cell count was ALMOST too low to do the treatment. But I prevailed! Then, the volunteers who make all of the chemo patients lunch, microwaved some sort of Lean Cuisine lasagna and the smell... oh my god, the SMELL! I was completely nauseated. Needed to cover my face with a blanket and still couldn't deal with it. One nurse gave me a napkin w lavender on it and another gave me an alcohol swab to sniff. Being the weirdo that I am, I preferred the alcohol swab. When all of the stinky nonsense ended, I was told my blood pressure was too low for the Lasix (the drug that makes me pee a lot). And THEN I was having a weird sensitivity in my arm to the speed of the hydration drip, so they had to slow that down, which meant that I'd end up missing my radiation appointment if I had to wait til the end. So THAT meant that I got to go down to radiation with my buddy the IV pole. The awesome part is, ...

Today my wife will be officially halfway with the external radiation and 2/3 (or 4/5, depending on how they decide) done with the chemo. I am relieved and amazed every day that goes by that she is feeling good and upbeat and ready to go. She has weathered some of the worst of this storm much better than some of us; from the first day I've mostly been so panicked I could barely function. I had to drop several things I was doing and just forget about them. I did not have the capacity for my usual 200-projects-at-a-time. For the most part I didn't know what to do and I wished for the first time in my life that I had a real job. A boring, 9-5, do-it-and-forget-it sort of affair... you know, the kind of thing I hate. I wished someone would just give me a shovel and point at where a ditch needed to be. I tried to complete some projects and mostly failed... anything that required an attention span went right in the shitter. Without her folks here I'm not sure how this wou...

Well, today I woke up feeling nauseous, which meant I got to sample my sweet anti-nausea pills for the first time. Happy to report they definitely help, but I did still just feel vaguely crummy all day today. Despite the down turn, I still managed to take a nice walk around our park with Ryan this morning AND made it through my now-standard 6 hour work day and radiation appointment. I even went grocery shopping and cooked dinner! So it can't be that bad, right? If this is as bad as it gets, then this will be a breeze. Now if you'll excuse me, i have to go drink some flat gingerale and go to sleep at 8:30pm. Love love, Phoebe

Done. So fast. So easy. All I felt was a little hot in the britches after. But, hell... I'm used to that. ;) Was super tired when I got home today after work, treatment and errands, but still no nausea or anything BAD. This still all feels so surreal, like it's not happening to me.  But I still feel strong and unafraid. Xxo, Phoebe