Positively Phoebe

When I was walking through the shop this morning on my way to my desk, I passed one of the guys who works out on the floor.  We exchanged the standard morning pleasantries, and when I asked how he was this morning and he responded, “Pretty awesome.” Wow… I was immediately ashamed of my mopey “Okay” response.  I should be the one who is “pretty awesome” today.  But instead I’m filled with the stupid asshole-y nervousness that goes along with today being not only my quarterly oncology follow-up, but also exactly a year and a half since my diagnosis.  I should be feeling pretty awesome.  First off, because instead of this being 3 months since my last visit, it’s 4 since Dr. Kebria felt so good about my last exam.  And secondly because it’s only been a year and a half and I don’t have cancer.  And I HAVEN’T had cancer in over a year. I should be feeling pretty awesome.  My life?  It’s pretty fucking awesome.  Why on earth am I lettin...

Two weeks ago, one of my coworkers came to me after a doctor's appointment to ask me what a PET scan was like.  Apparently his doc had ordered one up for him because of a lingering "spot" on his lung.  It was last Friday... right before the long weekend.  I urged him to CALL the his doctor Friday afternoon, so that he would not have to wait those three long days to get his results.  But he decided he'd rather wait and not spoil his weekend in case the news was bad.  Tuesday, he called.  And the stupid doctor was not in.  More waiting... I think I was more nervous than he was.  It was like re-living my own PET scan waits. Yesterday, he was out on a job in the morning.  When he came back into the gallery, he came over to me.  And he looked... grim.  The doctor had called.  And the news - not good.  I think that, much in the way that I sort of fuzzed out when my own doctors were telling me details about my cancer, my trea...

THIS GUY! Like there was ever any doubt... xxo, Phoebe

Can you believe it? My last treatment was SIX MONTH AGO TODAY!!!  I am finding this hard to wrap my head around.  In both directions, honestly.  On the one hand, I feel like I JUST walked out of the Radiation Oncology office at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus, still a little dopey from the drugs, with knitting dad's beautiful scarf freshly wrapped around my neck.  And on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Or even like it wasn't my life at all.  Six months. Ten days from now is my 6 month appointment.  I get to have an exam and pap test, but NO PET scan needed!  Woot!  I keep wondering when I get the official "remission" handed to me.  In my mind, for some reason, it is at 6 months... but I may just be making that up.  I can't remember.  Foggy brain. And speaking of that... it's been a minute since I've done a real lingering-side-effects report, so here is one: Menopause symptoms seem to be MOSTLY under cont...

Recently, a woman started writing to me who had been reading my blog - referred to it by a mutual friend.  She's been through cervical cancer, too.  Only hers came back.  Or spread.  Or something.  I honestly cannot tell you the details because the further into her last email I got, the less I was able to focus until finally all I was seeing was, "Words words words, words words words words." on my screen.  Nothing was processing.  My brain literally turned off.  It was like a red light was flashing that just said "NOPE NOPE NOPE".  I could not sit here, less than a month after hearing my own "all clear" and absorb that someone had been through my same treatments and had a recurrence.  Or that someone else she knew, someone younger than me, had DIED after a recurrence.  I was not prepared for how reading those intimate, open words, shared by a sweet and kind-hearted woman just looking to make a connection... would make me feel. ...

So.  I think I mentioned in a previous post (or maybe I didn't - I'm a little "off" in the brain category these days) that last night I was planning to attend an event down in Akron put on by stupidcancer.org  - the "I'm Too Young For This" cancer organization for folks in their 20s and 30s.  A group that totally seems like it would be the group for me, right?  I was nervous about going alone, though, and so a long-time internet friend whom I seldom see in person and who lives in Akron offered to be my date for the evening.  Yay for Jessica! Now, I don't want to outwardly slam anything, so I will try to be diplomatic about this... First of all, the event was at "Ripper Owens Tap House".  Do you know who Ripper Owens is?  Because I didn't.  Apparently he used to be in the metal band Judas Priest.  So, basically, this place was a sad aging metal guy bar with kind of a sports bar thing going on as well.  Neither of these things is ...

Having gone through the whole cancer thing makes even the slightest whisper of the word in the lives of those around you terrifying.  Brings up the fears and anxieties of those early days and makes you wish that that person was not having to go through that horrible shit that you went through. Unfortunately, every day, people still go through cancer diagnoses and the fears and anxieties that go along with the waiting, wondering and hoping until they get the inevitable bad news or all clear.  And it's impossible to think that just because I went through it, I should be spared the worry when it comes to those I care about and those they care about and so on.  In fact, I hope that if and/or when that happens, my experiences might be somehow helpful for those around me going through what they are going through.  What I went through. More than a couple people I know (or know of through someone I am close with) are going through the cancer/potential cancer business rig...

Back in January, my tattooed dad's friend, Jim, created a design for me to make into an "I Beat Cancer" t-shirt.  ( Remember? )  There was some discussion about selling them, and he made two other designs as well.  Today, I FINALLY got around to creating a Cafe Press shop to do just that.  Shirts.  Cups.  Tote Bags.  Stickers.  Even underpants!!  All three of his designs, plus a special "Positively Phoebe" logo design are available here: http://www.cafepress.com/positivelyphoebe These are the designs: For the Survivors For the Supporters For the Haters For Whomever If anyone wants any of these designs available in a different color, I am sure I can sort out making that possible.  I will hopefully keep adding designs to the shop as well...  you know I like making stuff.  And as with everything, the little bit of markup I make on any sales is already set up to be deposited directly into my medical b...

Today was the day we all EXPECTED to get the PET scan results - at my appointment with Dr. Kebria this afternoon.  And even though getting the news surprisingly and excitingly early yesterday was awesome, today's visit was even MORE awesome than we expected. Sitting in the exam room with Dr. Kebria and Erin, I was just beaming.  I had no idea it could get even BETTER - but it seems like that was all that happened.  It just kept getting better and better and better!!! First, Dr. K actually said the words "The cancer is gone."  It was the greatest thing my ears have ever heard.  Until he said, shortly thereafter , "She is more than likely cured."  WHAT?!  Somehow that sentence really drove it home!!!  I was just floored. But that's not all the good news!  (Can you believe it just keeps getting better?)  Those (EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE) PET scans... the ones I thought I'd have to be getting every three, then six, then twelve months? Yeah, ...

When my looked down at my ringing phone this afternoon and saw "Moll Pavillion / Fairview Hospital" on the called ID, I just assumed it was one of those recorded messages reminding me about my appointment tomorrow.  (Never mind that I got that message yesterday.  I was buys and not thinking about that stuff...)  So when the voice on the other end was the Nurse Practitioner who was with me from day one of this ordeal, my heart immediately leaped into my throat.  She was the one who told me that the results of my biopsy were that I had cancer.  So it was only appropriate that she was the one to call me first today... She said that when she saw my results from yesterday's can pop up on her system, she could not wait until tomorrow to call and tell me the good news.  What they saw was exactly what they wanted to see:  no progression of disease, and no residual evidence of the tumor.  I was so in shock.  So stunned.  I s...

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/WalkampRoll/CFPFY11ILWalknRoll?px=20281277&pg=personal&fr_id=42607 My friend, Nora, is skating in MY honor this year. It really blows my mind and warms my heart. If you can donate to her, please do. She is amazing. I mean, not only is she doing this, but when she was on VACATION in Cleveland last fall after my diagnosis, she spent one of her days cleaning all the dog nose prints off my living room windows for me. Because she is the sweetest... , Phoebe

So, let me tell you WHY I received this photo from knitting dad today: That's my mum. That's two glasses of champagne. And I received this at around noon their time. So why were my parents, who barely drink at all, swigging champagne for lunch today? Because of the news I got at today's follow-up appointment with my brachytherapy oncologist, Dr. Fleming. As I laid on the exam table, feet in the stirrups, he looked in there and announced "What a beautiful cervix." The nurse nodded in agreement. It was such an odd exchange, it took me a minute to register what they were saying... See, when Ryan booked this appointment for me last month (on the day of my final brachy) he asked them if they would be able to tell by today if the tumor was gone. And the answer was NO - that what they would see would be a necrotic, dying, sloughing away tumor. So really, we went in there today with no real expectations. So, when I finally wrapped my head around...

First of all - I forgot to tell you.  I found my original posi+ivi+y bracelet that my friend Kristin sent me.  It was in the laundry that I did this weekend.  YAY!  I am now wearing it again, plus the GR ATTITUDES one the Alexa's Angels ladies sent me, plus the red posi+ivi+y bracelet that I bought for myself when I thought the original one was gone.  A little extra PMA never hurts, right? Secondly, I just have to share that I had a really nice weekend.  I did a bunch of thrifting, which was not only fun but somewhat necessary as I am now swimming in a lot of my clothing.  New (used) duds are a great mood lifter.  And cheap!  I had nice phone chats with both tattoo-dad and mum.  I got to hang out with my bro, Steve Brown and his lovely wife, Jenni, on Sunday.  An amazing pair, these two, and always hilarious.  Laughter really is excellent medicine!  Amid all of that, I also managed to do a bunch of laundry, wo...

Yesterday, I went to my "Life After Cancer" class.  Overall, it was informative, though little of the information presented was new to me.  Except for the fact that the recent numbness in my toes is likely a side effect of the Cisplatin I was given in chemotherapy, which I believe the nurse referred to as "coasting neuropathy."  Supposedly, this little bit of annoyance can begin around a month after treatment ends and last up to a year.  Joy!  Aside from that, though, there was just a lot of talk about "the new normal", coping with fatigue, changing diet and exercise habits, et cetera. While most of what was discussed was useful in a broad sense, I could not help but feel like I was not REALLY a part of this group.  There were 5 other cancer survivors in the class with me.  Four of them - breast cancer survivors (not sure about the fifth - it never came up).  SO, right off the bat, not only were their treatments different (and less inv...

Like yesterday, for example.  When my mum emailed to tell me that my (knitting) dad had an unexpected procedure done... I think I've mentioned before that knitting dad is a cancer survivor himself.  6 years ago, he beat bladder cancer.  But way before that... back when I was still in college, he had skin cancer in his lower lip.  I never told them at the time, but I was so terrified about whether he'd be ok, I dropped out of school for a semester.  I just could not cope with all of my feelings surrounding my dad's mortality.  It scared the crap out of me. Fast forward to yesterday - over a decade later.  While my dad was here taking care of MY cancery ass, he "burned his lip."  Or so he believed.  Or wanted to believe.  But I guess when the spot from this didn't go away, even now that they've been back home for a couple weeks, it was time to hit the doctor's office.  In the email I got from him, he just said that the doc "took o...

My (tattooed) dad's friend, Jim, has been following this blog since my dad first posted about it.  Today, via my dad, he sent me a design he created for me.  I am going to ask my friend Renae (who does screen printing) to make me a t-shirt or two with this graphic... just as soon as I know for sure that I beat the stupid f*cking cancer! I hope he doesn't mind me posting the graphic here.  I just love it and wanted to share: Thanks, Jim!  For this and for all of your kind words and support. Xxo, Phoebe

A very wise friend of mine recently blogged that once something that has always been there (and even common) infiltrates your life, suddenly that thing seems to be everywhere you look. I just opened my new issue of Real Simple magazine to see this ad... I may need the "Survivor" shirt they have on their site... Xxo, Phoebe

All day today there's been a lovely lady all dressed in green sitting across from me. A few minutes ago, she got my attention and told me she had had Stage III endometrial cancer, has been coming since february, lost her hair, but is ALL CLEAR! I overheard the nurse earlier telling her that her positive mindset definitely helped. So when she told me she was passing her healing energy on to me, i felt so lucky! As we left i stopped to hold her hand briefly and thank her. She pulled one of her bracelets off and pushed it over our clasped hands onto my wrist. Said her girlfriends made them for her. If you ever start to doubt the good in people and the world, get sick. The love out there is truly amazing! Xxo, Phoebe

Sorry for the lack of updates this weekend.  With no doctor visits, there has been little to report, at least medically speaking. But that doesn't mean that there isn't stuff to say.  So here's the latest: Friday afternoon, I arrived at my radiation appointment to find my step-dad, Gary, waiting in the waiting room for me!  He left Colorado Wednesday morning and arrived a day earlier than I had expected.  I feel like his emotions surrounding this whole thing are different than a lot of the family because he, himself, is a three-time cancer survivor.  I know his point of view is different and he is such an emotional fella to begin with - it was definitely hard for him in a very different way than it has been for so many others.  Anyhow, there were DEFINITELY plenty of tears as we hugged in the waiting room.  But they were good ones. Saturday, I got to feel "normal" for a while.  I had my regular Saturday date with my lovely friend, Mallorie. ...