Positively Phoebe

So, let me tell you WHY I received this photo from knitting dad today: That's my mum. That's two glasses of champagne. And I received this at around noon their time. So why were my parents, who barely drink at all, swigging champagne for lunch today? Because of the news I got at today's follow-up appointment with my brachytherapy oncologist, Dr. Fleming. As I laid on the exam table, feet in the stirrups, he looked in there and announced "What a beautiful cervix." The nurse nodded in agreement. It was such an odd exchange, it took me a minute to register what they were saying... See, when Ryan booked this appointment for me last month (on the day of my final brachy) he asked them if they would be able to tell by today if the tumor was gone. And the answer was NO - that what they would see would be a necrotic, dying, sloughing away tumor. So really, we went in there today with no real expectations. So, when I finally wrapped my head around...

Tuesday was, as I posted, my final brachytherapy.  I am officially DONE with my cancer treatments. And now.  Now I'm friggin' terrified. During the treatments, I had a goal.  I felt like I was contributing to kicking the tumor's ugly ass right outta there.  I got up every day, and no matter how busted I felt, I went to chemo, I went to radiation, I went to brachy.  And now... now I do nothing.  I wait.  And god help me... I THINK. As of right now, I have NO idea WHEN I will find out if everything we've done, you know, WORKED.  I have "follow-up" appointments scheduled over the next two weeks with Dr. Kebria and Dr. Mastrioanni. But I don't know if either of them will tell me what's next?  How long?  Did it work?  Yadda yadda.  And I'm scared.  And I hate it. I know we have to wait a certain amount of time until they CAN re-scan me to see if it's gone or dead or whatever.  But I don't know how long that is. ...

Yep.  Tomorrow is my LAST brachytherapy.  My last treatment. It'll be at least a month or so before the doctors can re-scan me and make sure that stupid cancer has shriveled up and died in there, but just having the constant stuff done will be more than a little awesome. I'm still fatigued (yet having major trouble sleeping - weird) but I am definitely starting to really GET how much better I've been feeling.  My parents and Ryan have noticed it more than I have, I think, because I still just don't feel "right".  I don't feel like myself.  Everything is kooky and it's still really hard to deal with everyday everything, even though I supposedly "look good" and whatnot. But I'm trying. Today, Ryan made organic pancakes and super-loved, cage-free, drug-free, bullshit-free egss for brunch and then went to Earth Fare (our new favorite grocery store) and got some gorgeous antibiotic-free, grass-fed, yadda-yadda steaks (which are marinad...

Yesterday was my third of five brachytherapy sessions.  And it went WAY better than the last one.  Maybe I've healed more.  Maybe it was just better without all of the waiting for CAT scans and whatnot, but whatever the reason - I am very grateful.  I was definitely 10 kinds of loopy when we left there.  I honestly don't really remember pieces of my time there.  But again, I'd rather be mush-brained than throwing up from the demerol, so again - I'll take it.  I saw the nurse we met the day of our first visit to Dr. Flemming's office yesterday, too, and she said that I'm hitting the point in the recovery from the external radiation and chemo where I should be turning the corner on the crappy side effects, and I definitely feel like that's true.  Aside from the general exhaustion, I do feel so much better.  All I can hope is that as my body is feeling better, that stupid cancer is getting smaller and smaller and going away! Tonight, Ryan and ...

In more ways than one. Sorry about the lack of posts (from me - although Ryan's from a few days ago was just lovely!!)  It's been such a crazy week and now that so much time has gone by, I really have no idea where to begin. My last post was on December 20th, and that was pretty close to my lowest point through this entire process.  I was miserable Tuesday and Wednesday, and then Thursday was my second brachytherapy.  And it was a nightmare.  Ryan did a pretty decent job of describing how NOT ok I was in his last post.  It really was terrible.  I was already in so much pain from the external radiation that everything they were up to INSIDE was just unbelievably painful.  But as Ryan also mentioned, Dr. Flemming is awesome.  During all of this painful procedure, he was really fantastic about describing exactly what each pieces-part that they were sticking in there is going to feel like and how/where it would hurt/create pressure or cramping/etc...

My wonderful wife went to the christmas party at her job (where everyone just about fell over when she walked in), went christmas shopping, then went to the Boys From the County Hell christmas show and hung out until one in the morning... then drove my drunk ass home. For the last two months I have had a fucking laundry list of concerns and worries... but mostly, and perhaps selfishly, I miss hanging out with my best friend. Tonight I got her back for a minute. I am beside myself. I could not be happier... one day after one of the hardest treatments and worst days of this entire ordeal she found the strength to visit with dozens of our friends and talk at length with most of them about how she is doing. She is amazing. ... and yesterday WAS rough. For real. All of the side effects seemed to be peaking. They gave her demerol. They set up a new and different apparatus to perform the second internal radiation, requiring a long wait for another cat scan and calculations... a LONG wai...

I got some good news and some bad news yesterday during my 5th chemotherapy session. We'll start with the bad to just get it out of the way.  What I was hoping might be my LAST chemo yesterday, was actually number five of SIX.  They originally told me it was 5 to correspond with the five weeks of radiation, but because of scheduling, my radiation sessions were split up into 2 short weeks and 4 regular ones. So yeah.  One more chemo.  I mean, I guess that's not REALLY bad news.  I'm getting to be a pro at managing the nausea and am actually getting BETTER at making myself eat even when I don't want to (though I'm still dropping weight - but not TOO much, luckily).  The worst part is... [WARNING: this is where the humiliating nature of the location of this cancer and the surrounding areas and their functions have become SUCH a ridiculous part of my daily life, that I've lost all decorum when it comes to what may or may not be considered " TMI ".  So ...

I know I'm posting twice in a row here, but I felt like the doctor visit update should be a separate post from the Thanksgiving one. SO... Today we went to the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus to meet Dr. Fleming who will be my internal radiation oncologist.  There I also met the RN, Beth, and a resident named Dr. Sheplan, who are my two new favorite people ever. They REALLY explained to us the entire procedure, including not just what they will be doing once my current treatments are done, but the reasoning behind my currents treatments as well.  We got time-lines and definitions and side-effect lists and even visual aids. The basic gist is this:  the external beam radiation and the chemotherapy are working together right now to both shrink the tumor and also help prevent any minute spreading that may not have shown up on the scans.  Once that is finished (December 14th), I get a week off and then I will have 5 sessions of the internal radiation (calle...