Positively Phoebe

When I was walking through the shop this morning on my way to my desk, I passed one of the guys who works out on the floor.  We exchanged the standard morning pleasantries, and when I asked how he was this morning and he responded, “Pretty awesome.” Wow… I was immediately ashamed of my mopey “Okay” response.  I should be the one who is “pretty awesome” today.  But instead I’m filled with the stupid asshole-y nervousness that goes along with today being not only my quarterly oncology follow-up, but also exactly a year and a half since my diagnosis.  I should be feeling pretty awesome.  First off, because instead of this being 3 months since my last visit, it’s 4 since Dr. Kebria felt so good about my last exam.  And secondly because it’s only been a year and a half and I don’t have cancer.  And I HAVEN’T had cancer in over a year. I should be feeling pretty awesome.  My life?  It’s pretty fucking awesome.  Why on earth am I lettin...

Two posts in one day? What the hell?? Seriously, though, the entire time I was out running my weekend errands today, I was thinking about how I needed to write about the whole process... especially the whole process today. I have heard a lot of people complain about how they hate that, in order to effectively do their grocery shopping, they need to go to like three different stores.  But me?  I LOVE IT!  There are different wonderful things that fit into my new healthy diet at Earth Fare, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Heinen's, and even Giant Eagle and Target.  And today, I went to ALL of those places (except for Whole Foods, which is only inconveniently located on the East Side).  I even went to two different Targets, because I had already gone to one and then realized that I had prescriptions to pick up at a different one. But here's the thing of it.  I really enjoy going to these different places.  I love them all for different reasons.  I g...

Yep.  That's today.  Officially, last week was my six months post-treatment mark, but today is the actual appointment.  Today is the appointment that, prior to the LAST one, I thought would be my next PET scan.  But no.  Because the last appointment deemed that UNNECESSARY.  I still can't believe that, but love it.  Just a basic pelvic exam and PAP test for me, today.  And, well, every three months for the next five years.  But whatever!!  Better than PET scans every three months! I'm not sure whether it is strange to admit this or not, but I feel NO FEAR about this exam.  Last time, I was staring down the barrel of my exam in Italy - and as amazing as that trip was, I spent a lot of that time scared to death about the upcoming test.  This time, I've barely thought about it at all.  Hell, I had even forgotten when it was - I had to dig through my file cabinet last week because I could not remember the date. But here we...

Can you believe it? My last treatment was SIX MONTH AGO TODAY!!!  I am finding this hard to wrap my head around.  In both directions, honestly.  On the one hand, I feel like I JUST walked out of the Radiation Oncology office at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus, still a little dopey from the drugs, with knitting dad's beautiful scarf freshly wrapped around my neck.  And on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Or even like it wasn't my life at all.  Six months. Ten days from now is my 6 month appointment.  I get to have an exam and pap test, but NO PET scan needed!  Woot!  I keep wondering when I get the official "remission" handed to me.  In my mind, for some reason, it is at 6 months... but I may just be making that up.  I can't remember.  Foggy brain. And speaking of that... it's been a minute since I've done a real lingering-side-effects report, so here is one: Menopause symptoms seem to be MOSTLY under cont...

Usually, when someone posts a quote in a blog, it's by some famous person.  Well, this guy may not be famous to YOU... but to me, he is legendary.  I don't think a man ever lived who was as admired as John Elliott was by my father.  His friend.  His mentor.  His father figure.  I only met him once, and I will never forget it.  And yesterday, when my dad (tattoo dad, that is) called me up for a chat during my lunch break, he said it to me again.  And it reminded me not just of how many times I have heard my dad say it, but how many times I have thought it myself.  It's simple and it's something we all need to remember... "Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured." Keep this in mind, my friends.  It's amazing how much this little phrase popping into your head can turn your day around.  Thank you, John Elliott.  You live on in the love and inspiration you gave to those you left behind. Xxo, Phoebe

So, as I alluded to in last night's post - it's been six months since my diagnosis. THAT'S ALL!  JUST SIX LITTLE MONTHS!!! ...and they were the longest fucking months of my entire life, without a doubt.  It feels like that day in November was 6 YEARS ago.  That day.  That unholy long day of WAITING after the semi-sleepless night in Fairview Hospital WAITING.  My memory is not what it used to be, but I remember so much of it so clearly.  And you know what?  I'm not going to replay it!  Because we all know what happened and how it all ended up - better than one would have ever imagined!  So no rehashing.  Just a happy little cancer-half-versary.  If I could make a cake with a middle finger on it and eat the whole thing today, I would.  But that will not do my new healthy lifestyle any favors, so I'll just move on. And here's an even better pseudo-anniversary: 4 weeks ago today, I got the unexpected (early) calls from both m...

I swear.  If I ever get back to just cruising along, nice and normal, without having to go to the doctor for something every week, I will be one happy woman.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled to be cancer free... but damned if I am not completely and totally frustrated by all of the lingering nonsense that stupid tumor and its treatments left behind. I AM happy to report, at least, that with very little need to dip into the butt ointment, my rear end is doing MUCH better.  All it took was no more baby wipes and no more soap.  And I am left with a much happier... everything back there.  So a big thanks to Dr. Williams.  Hooray! Yesterday, however, I noticed that the symptoms I was having last week that I thought felt like a urinary tract infection seemed to be back - and with a vengeance.  Pain.  Nausea.  Urgency - generally with no results.  I felt horrid most of the day and this morning I decided it was time to deal with it a...

I know I posted that I made a shop on Cafe Press.  Well, I wasn't the only one who ordered something... Mum & "Knitting" Dad So Cute!!!  Xxo, Phoebe

When my looked down at my ringing phone this afternoon and saw "Moll Pavillion / Fairview Hospital" on the called ID, I just assumed it was one of those recorded messages reminding me about my appointment tomorrow.  (Never mind that I got that message yesterday.  I was buys and not thinking about that stuff...)  So when the voice on the other end was the Nurse Practitioner who was with me from day one of this ordeal, my heart immediately leaped into my throat.  She was the one who told me that the results of my biopsy were that I had cancer.  So it was only appropriate that she was the one to call me first today... She said that when she saw my results from yesterday's can pop up on her system, she could not wait until tomorrow to call and tell me the good news.  What they saw was exactly what they wanted to see:  no progression of disease, and no residual evidence of the tumor.  I was so in shock.  So stunned.  I s...

I can't believe I've been here for a week already... And I'm going to start today's post with my first real gripe about this trip... You know how American teenagers seem generally like way bigger assholes than we were when we were teenagers? Like, how there is a significant lack of respect for anyone else, especially elders, a massively increased whorishness, and just an overwhelming sense of "yeah, fuck you - I don't care about a god damned thing"? Well, if that bothers you... Don't come to Europe. The teens here... Holy hell! I want to stab each and every single one we have encountered in the throat with an boning knife. They are miserable, skanky, rude, tacky, loud, and in every other way imaginable - genuinely awful. And I hate them. All of them. And now, back to the positivity... I avoided the hotel breakfast today and just made my own tasty snack in the room with out groceries. And then we were off to the Pitti Palace and Boboli Gar...

Today at work, my manager said something that really struck me.  She said that she read something recently that recommended you set the following goal for yourself: Make at least one person smile every day. How cute is that?  I like to think that I manage this without putting forth the extra effort to, but I am definitely going to make it a point to pay greater attention and make certain that I DO do this.  Every day. I posted this on facebook today, and my friend Kristin (she of the posi+ivi+y bracelets and package full of hearts) posted this article on my page shortly thereafter.  I love it.  Smiling isn't only awesome, it's good for you, too!  Take a minute to read it.  You will smile! You know what else made me smile today?  My work brought in a massage therapist today to give us all (if we wanted) 15 minute chair massages.  And if there were any time slots not taken after all who did want got their rubbin', we could go again. ...

So, let me tell you WHY I received this photo from knitting dad today: That's my mum. That's two glasses of champagne. And I received this at around noon their time. So why were my parents, who barely drink at all, swigging champagne for lunch today? Because of the news I got at today's follow-up appointment with my brachytherapy oncologist, Dr. Fleming. As I laid on the exam table, feet in the stirrups, he looked in there and announced "What a beautiful cervix." The nurse nodded in agreement. It was such an odd exchange, it took me a minute to register what they were saying... See, when Ryan booked this appointment for me last month (on the day of my final brachy) he asked them if they would be able to tell by today if the tumor was gone. And the answer was NO - that what they would see would be a necrotic, dying, sloughing away tumor. So really, we went in there today with no real expectations. So, when I finally wrapped my head around...

First of all - I forgot to tell you.  I found my original posi+ivi+y bracelet that my friend Kristin sent me.  It was in the laundry that I did this weekend.  YAY!  I am now wearing it again, plus the GR ATTITUDES one the Alexa's Angels ladies sent me, plus the red posi+ivi+y bracelet that I bought for myself when I thought the original one was gone.  A little extra PMA never hurts, right? Secondly, I just have to share that I had a really nice weekend.  I did a bunch of thrifting, which was not only fun but somewhat necessary as I am now swimming in a lot of my clothing.  New (used) duds are a great mood lifter.  And cheap!  I had nice phone chats with both tattoo-dad and mum.  I got to hang out with my bro, Steve Brown and his lovely wife, Jenni, on Sunday.  An amazing pair, these two, and always hilarious.  Laughter really is excellent medicine!  Amid all of that, I also managed to do a bunch of laundry, wo...

Oh, well perhaps I should tell you the question first? Although it's the question EVERYONE has been asking ME lately, so maybe you already know it: "Are you feeling better, because you seem like you're feeling better??!" So.  As I said above, the answer is... I feel pretty good.  On the one hand, I honestly feel better/healthier than I have in years.  Eating good food, drinking filtered water and exercising regularly is pretty fantastic medicine. But as "normal" or "good" or whatever as I might appear to everyone, I still am struggling.  It's hard to know how to respond to THE QUESTION, though.  You want to agree with people when they tell you that you seem like you're doing so well.  You want them not to worry.  You want to not worry yourself . But the truth is, I do NOT feel normal.  Yeah, I feel healthier, more fit, more positive, and so on.  But I don't feel like the me I was before all of this.  (I'm pretty sure she...

Remember when I posted a couple days ago about the message I received from the woman from Alexa's Angels ?  And how they wanted to send me something? Well, I got it!  A lovely package with some posi+ivi+y bracelets and a great bracelet I hadn't seen before that says "GRATITUDES" on 10 separate beads.  The little card this bracelet came on says "Gratitude is the memory of the heart. Use each bead to count 10 things you are grateful for everyday!"  As I just started my little gratitude journal, I think this is a perfectly timed gift! The best part of the package wasn't really any of the goodies themselves, but the card they sent along with them.  I was so touched and couldn't not share the lovely note with you all... Next time I am in Colorado visiting my parents, I am going to have to go find their offices and hug these great ladies!   And then the outside of the card asked a simple question: I am so...

Early on in my cancer battle, I got a small package in the mail from my friend, Kristin.  First off, the package was filled with dozens of hearts - cut out by hand from magazines.  They (of course) went everywhere when I opened it.  Which I loved.  I saved them all and because I thought they were so wonderful, I hung them all over the walls in my art room around one of my desks there.  The one that I surrounded with lovely art and gifts from beautiful friends and family: Also inside the package was a little organza bag with three bracelets in it, all the same.  Just simple black elastics with little silver tubes on them that said : posi+ivi+y on them.  There was also a small card in the bag that explained that you should keep one bracelet and share the other two with people who need some positivity!  I immediately gave one to my mum, and a few days later the other went to my friend, Mallorie.  I loved the idea of giving this positive gif...

Yesterday I had my yearly review at work.  It was a little strange, timing-wise, since I've only been back a few days.  But at the same time, the odd timing really made me see something. Over the past year, with my health being what it was... basically being burdened with an unknown illness marked by unexplained symptoms that were not exactly something I was openly talking about with everyone - especially at work, (namely, that I was bleeding uncontrollably for months on end from places you don't talk about at your job unless you're a porn star or Margaret Cho) and being told by doctor after doctor and test after test that nothing was wrong with me ...I was so unhappy!  I felt completely defective.  I was depressed.  I put on weight.  I felt ugly.  My sex life completely disappeared. (Who wants to get it on when you know it's going to end up in humiliating blood all over everyone's... everything?)  I was working fewer hours and makin...