Positively Phoebe

This past Wednesday, I decided that the best way to spend my day was to use some more of my vacation time to go and be with Lacey and Spencer as they went for Spencer's blood tests and doctor visits.  I didn't want her to be alone after the way things seemed to be going.  (i.e. Bad numbers going up and good numbers going down and an official leukemia diagnosis getting closer and closer.) Turned out, I was glad I went.  Not because Spencer puked on me and made my hand smell like a rotten hot sweet potato for a while.  But because at the end, as the doctors were wrapping it up, I pushed Lacey to ask the questions she had been wanting to ask about how the chemo treatments would go if/when they decided that was the way to go.  She had told me she had what she deemed "stupid" questions about things like jammies and time frames and all of that.  Well, I knew from my own experience that NO questions you might have are stupid and that the more you know, the easie...

Three years ago today was a Wednesday.  I didn't work on Wednesdays that year.  The weather was similar to today's weather - not quite as unseasonably warm as today, but warm enough for an early December day to be raining rather than snowing.  Ryan and I got up, probably got breakfast at George's Kitchen or Dunkin' Donuts or something, and then headed downtown to procure some very special paperwork.  I don't really remember how we spent the rest of the afternoon.  What I do remember was putting on my favorite Ramones t-shirt and a headband I made that matched the oxblood Doc Marten's Ryan had bought me in the UK and driving down to our old favorite bar together in the rain.  Ryan had on a Joe Strummer t-shirt, a thrift store sport coat, and matching oxblood Docs.  We really didn't look like we were dressed any differently than we would have been on any other night at the bar. Inside we met up with a few friends.  We quietly went over to the corn...

We spread the message literally from Ohio to Japan and back.  The requests for prayers, positive thoughts, PMA, healing vibes, good juju... all of it.  All for little Spencer. And today, as I stood in Target and heard Lacey's text noise... my heart was in my friggin throat as I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked to see the words: "NO LEUKEMIA!!!" And then I bawled.  And then I called my mum and told her.  And then I sat in traffic for an hour trying to get to Spencer's baby brother, Sullivan's, baptism.  I have never been so happy to hug my "wife" Lacey or her hubby, Todd. It was a wonderful day and I have no doubt in my mind that everyone's positive thoughts and prayers helped. Thank you.  Thank you all.  And if you want to follow Lacey, Spencer, Sullivan and Todd's adventures, too, you can find them here: http://frombettietobetty.blogspot.com/ I am so happy.  I spent a good 10 minutes snuggling with my dude, Spencer, b...

Had kind of a rough day yesterday. Running errands with Ryan, I got hung up on his negativity and talked myself well into a terrible mood. After giving up and sleeping for a couple hours, I awoke to find Ryan gone, yet all the cars and bicycles accounted for. Somewhat panicked, I called him. He said he was out walking. Asked me to come pick him up. He was out close to the lake, near where Clifton Blvd meets the Shoreway. (A long ass walk from our house.) As I drove the several miles to get him, I thought a lot about what had been bothering me that day. I had gotten so hung up on how negative everything that had come out of his mouth all d ay seemed to me, I had failed to recognize that the things he was ranting about were things that he ultimately sees as hindrances to his ideal future for us. Hindrances to HIS search for happiness. And then I got that while I was getting angry at him for bitching about how fucked we'll be if Romney gets elected, about how fucked we are to not h...

I've been a trendsetter as long as I can remember.  Always a little ahead of the game in music, fashion, whathaveyou.  That sounds self-important, but it's not.  It's just who I was. But seriously, people?  I was not trying to be cool by getting cancer.  So all of you... STOP IT!!! ... Yeah.  I know I'm trying to be silly here.  But the fact of the matter is, it seems like cancer is just everywhere all of a sudden.  I keep reiterating that I can't tell if I'm just hyper-sensitive to it now that it happened to me or if it really is suddenly everywhere.  But I think it's just getting more fucking common.  And that is some scary shit. We lost Brother Ed.  Ryan's friend P.J. is in hospice right now.  And we just learned that today, our good friend Big Jay is having surgery to see how badly his cancer has spread. It breaks my heart.  Big Jay. Please.  I've asked this before regarding myself and others and I'll ...

I wish I had written this post earlier. Like... the minute I got home last Thursday night from my girl-date with my new and amazing friend, Michelle. The best I can do between chemo-brain, menopause fog, and an incredible and busy week in-between is to sum up the best I can... As I mentioned last week, I met Michelle on Facebook.  I liked her immediately, despite not actually knowing each other at all.  After a few days of messages and texts, I met her at the Reddstone last Thursday and she was so flippin' cute I just wanted to squeeze her!  We took over an hour to order food because we were immediately yapping away. We talked about kids.  Pets.  Husbands.  Ex-husbands.  Small towns.  Jobs.  The past.  The future.  The present.  Dreams.  Ideas.  Pretty much the kind of stuff you would talk about with a friend.  Except that we also talked about cancer.  And the ways it has affected us.  And it was ...

So I last left off with the end of the Cancer Retreat. Which I enjoyed, in case you weren't paying attention. Moving on. The Monday after the retreat, I met my beloved Lacey and her husband, Todd, at Fairview Hospital at Oh-Dark-Thirty in the morning to hold her hand until they booted me out as she went in for the scheduled c-section for her second (and final) baby boy.  I had not been inside Fairview Hospital since the day I left there with the fresh news of my cancer diagnosis.  It was a little creepy being back there, I have to admit. After several hours of waiting around with Lacey's awesome parents, I got to meet Sullivan Richard Skywalker Gansert.  He is thankfully adorable.  I say thankfully because I have promised Lacey to be straight with her and let her know if her children are ugly... but THANKFULLY both baby #1, Spencer (love of my life) and fresh Mr. Sully... both are super cutie cutes!  Whew!!!  I even held that fresh little pot roast on...

Sorry I disappeared for a minute there.  My birthday was back on July 27th, and I flew to St. Louis that day to spend a long weekend with one of my bestest friends, Daniela.  The trip was so packed full of fun, I never had time to borrow her computer and make a post.  And then I came home to marginally functioning internet service and a ridiculously stressful and busy week, so, well... you know how it is. So here's a recap.  Of mostly just life stuff... Friday, July 27th. My 37th birthday and it was awesome.  Facebook has really done wonders to make you feel loved on your birthday.  Getting all of that online love makes me feel like a little kid having a big party again.  I got amazing texts and phone calls all day, too.  So much love out there.  It really made me GET how many amazing friends I have.  I am so lucky.  My flight was not until 8:45pm, so I had to go to work and then came home and finished packing for my trip. ...

I know I sort of wrote the other day about my worries that finding things to write about would be difficult.  I mean, I am sure I could easily go on about the mundane details of everyday life, but I do still want to continue to address, at least occasionally, the myriad ways that cancer has completely changed my life.  Ways that I notice every day.  Ways that will probably never go away. Some of these are good, and others are bad.  And this post is about one of each. I'll start with the bad, so as to END the post on a positive note... So far, the worst thing about having cancer, despite beating it and recovering pretty entirely, is that just "being sick" will probably never JUST be "being sick" again.  Every health anomaly creates more nervousness and questioning than ever before.  Case in point: the past several days.  I had the worst diarrhea of my life.  Worse than during radiation.  Worse than anything I ever remember. ...

Yep.  That's today.  Officially, last week was my six months post-treatment mark, but today is the actual appointment.  Today is the appointment that, prior to the LAST one, I thought would be my next PET scan.  But no.  Because the last appointment deemed that UNNECESSARY.  I still can't believe that, but love it.  Just a basic pelvic exam and PAP test for me, today.  And, well, every three months for the next five years.  But whatever!!  Better than PET scans every three months! I'm not sure whether it is strange to admit this or not, but I feel NO FEAR about this exam.  Last time, I was staring down the barrel of my exam in Italy - and as amazing as that trip was, I spent a lot of that time scared to death about the upcoming test.  This time, I've barely thought about it at all.  Hell, I had even forgotten when it was - I had to dig through my file cabinet last week because I could not remember the date. But here we...

Pretty much since Ryan got home from L.A. on Sunday, I was in a shitty mood.  Not specifically BECAUSE he was home... but upon reflection, it was not unrelated, either.   Overall, I put my non-awesome mood down to too much Chuck Ragan.  Specifically this song .  I love it.  And it makes me sad as fuck.  It's all about Chuck coming home from being on the road and seeing his amazing wife, Jill, again.  "I'm gonna lay my head on the chest I know..."  It seriously breaks my heart listening to this song.  (And I probably listened to it 85 hundred times in the past month.)  Something about the desperation.  The NEED to get back home to the girl of his dreams.  I love it, but it kills me.   And listening to that song over and over, and then going to pick up MY husband at the airport after several days apart... it really just hit me that that will never be Ryan.  He is not someone who will write songs about h...

Saturday was Brother Ed 's memorial service.  Ryan and I got up, got dressed, swung through Dunkin Donuts and headed to Fairview Park to pay our respects.  Like I said before, Ed was really just an acquaintance to me.  We met maybe a dozen times over the 10 years I've been back in Cleveland.  Ryan probably knew him a little better - from his old video shop, the music scene, the car scene... all of that.  Still, though, it was important to us to go.  Strange and sad and surreal.  But important.   Ryan got his '71 Challenger out for the occasion.  Which, if you know Ryan at all, proves how important it was. As we pulled up, we ran into my good friend, Lacey on her way out.  We chatted for a minute and then made our way inside.  I have never seen so many people at a funeral in my life.  (And I've been to more than I'd like to remember.)  We meandered through the crowd and got in the line, which Lacey had warned us didn't go...

When I wrote the other day about that thing that was upsetting me, I actually woke up all amped to write this glowing happy post about my amazing and wonderful weekend - filled with positive, wonderful, spontaneous awesomeness.  Going to do that now.  (Unfortunately, it will likely include less detail as my short term memory still suffers from a fog that I cannot tell whether is post-chemo or menopause based.) Saturday. I texted my friend, Ruth, early to try to take care of some business and she ended up inviting me to go thrifting with her.  I LOVE thrifting, I had no real plans, obviously I said "HELL YES!"  It was an afternoon of scores including, but not limited to, a maybe-worn-three-times pair of $125 Dansko clogs for eight bucks, a majorly Mad Men-esque, beautiful vintage dress that I can ALMOST fit into (maybe another 5 pounds and I'm in it), for $3, and a pile of crazy silverware for an as yet un-revealed home improvement project.  While we were p...

Ryan is a pretty closed mouthed dude when it comes to expressing emotional type shit.  This whole cancer trip has given him the opportunity to be a little more vocal about his feelings and fears and stuff, but still, overall, he's pretty quiet. Today he posted something on facebook, though, that really made me smile.  Something so "him" that was right in front of my face this past week but I did not really grasp until he put it out there.  And it was... about a car. Backstory:  Before I got sick, we had decided that we really wanted to get me into an all wheel drive car before the winter came.  I am a nervous snow driver, and Ryan liked the piece of mind he felt he would have if I was in a car that could kick a blizzard in the ass.  We picked up an older BMW 325ix, and I really liked it.  We sold my Volvo wagon (still miss that guy...).  And almost immediately after, I got my diagnosis.  And then almost immediately after THAT, the timing ...

Our long weekend in Las Vegas was so perfect.  I don't even know how to begin to describe what it did for me mentally and emotionally.  It was like getting a little slice of my pre-cancer life back.. except that I didn't have to go home alone after seeing Ryan on the road because we went together!  So in that way it was even better! We arrived Saturday evening and ran smack into friend/tour manager Dan in the lobby of the Westin.  He gave me a "Daaaaaamn..." kinda thing - clearly I look better than the last time any of these guys saw me.  We did some wandering around.  Found dinner.  Yadda yadda.  Stopped at a liquor store on the way back to the hotel, picked up a bottle of Maker's Mark, and invited our friend Matt, who arrived shortly after we did, back to have some drinks in the room.  Matt is friggin' hilarious and I always enjoy listening to his stories.  Even the ones I've already heard.  More than once. I LOVE The Flam...