Positively Phoebe

So, I'm feeling completely destroyed right now.  And it makes absolutely no sense at all.  And I am so mad at myself because of it. At lunch today, one of the shop guys says to me, right as I sit down, "So, when are you going to have some kids?" I was stunned, and just sort of curtly responded, "I can't."  He clearly felt terrible.  Apologized.  Mumbled something about adoption always being an option.  Then *I* felt bad for making him uncomfortable and explained that I never really wanted kids anyhow. But as ABSOLUTELY true as that statement was, is, and continues to be, it seems to somehow be completely separate from this pain in my gut that makes my eyes water and my heart catch in my throat. I fucking HATE that that decision was made for me.  Despite the fact that I never wanted kids.  Never.  Not once in my life do I ever remember feeling differently - not even for a moment.  I have zero interest, and moreso, I have zero res...

I have a Target addiction.  I am pretty sure this is not an uncommon occurrence these days.  Everything is bright and clean.  They don't play music.  Most of their food is cheaper than anywhere else I shop.  The clearance items on the endcaps are some of the most fabulous deals I have ever found.  Even their clothes are kinda awesome.  They have slushies.  I love the pharmacy.  I love my pharmacist and the girls that work with her.  They understand than sometimes I need hangers, toilet paper, frozen peas and a bra late and are therefore open til 10pm.  One would thing that Target could do no wrong. Until today.  When Target made me cry.  Twice. I've mentioned before that a LOT of my friends have been having babies lately.  I still know more than half a dozen preggo chicas, and several fresh babies as well.  Lots of babies means lots of baby showers and baby birthday parties and baby gifts.  So,...

Today was one of my best friends, Jessica's, baby shower.  I was nervous about it because the last baby shower I attended was Lacey's - for my buddy, Spencer.  At Lacey's shower last summer was when I first REALLY let myself wonder for the very first time if whatever was causing all of my bleeding was something that was going to make it impossible for me to ever change my mind about having a child of my own one day.  As we know, the answer to that question turned out to be "yes"... so I was definitely a little tense about going to Jess's celebration today.  Especially when I felt myself getting reeeeeally weepy over the picture of a tiny newborn on the pack of diapers I bought to give to her while I was shower-shopping at Target yesterday.    "This is something I will never experience" was the thought that went through my head as I looked at the tiny baby feet on the diaper packaging and tried not to cry.  It's so strange to be feeling this way.....

I am trying to figure out how many of my close friends have new-ish babies and/or babies on the way right now.  And all I can come up with is... a lot.  That's how many.  A friggin' lot. The fact that I am thinking about this at all is strange and new.  Until pretty damned recently, I could have cared less about any human being under the age of, say, oh... twenty or so.  Kids?  Zero interest.  And don't even get me started on my previous feelings about babies.  Suffice it to say that I was NEVER a fan - not even as a child myself.  Just didn't have that maternal gene, I guess.  Never had any desire to have a child of my own or even to be around anyone else's. That changed slightly and slowly as more and more of my amazing friends had amazing kids.  When Steve had Maverick six years ago, I HELD my first baby.  And when Lacey had Spencer, I fell head over heels in love with my first baby.  And now she's pregnant again....