Positively Phoebe

Finally. My first last. Today was it.  Chemotherapy number 6 - the final one.  I cannot express how thrilled I am to have even one small part of this behind me.  It is a thrill, to say the least.  Especially after my Misery Guts Weekend. I learned a very important lesson this weekend, though.  Or rather, I applied a very important lesson that I learned when my fears that something really was wrong with me for the past year were true. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. And what my body was telling me, as I cried out in pain this past week, was this: "Hey you friggin idiot.  You realize that you can't even put most lotions on your skin, right? That there is no facial moisturizer, no matter how delicate, that does not make you turn red with rash. That even "sensitive skin" soap wreaks havoc on the skin of your hands, your armpits, your body.  Even just a quick change in air temperature will give you hives on your extremities for ho...

I got some good news and some bad news yesterday during my 5th chemotherapy session. We'll start with the bad to just get it out of the way.  What I was hoping might be my LAST chemo yesterday, was actually number five of SIX.  They originally told me it was 5 to correspond with the five weeks of radiation, but because of scheduling, my radiation sessions were split up into 2 short weeks and 4 regular ones. So yeah.  One more chemo.  I mean, I guess that's not REALLY bad news.  I'm getting to be a pro at managing the nausea and am actually getting BETTER at making myself eat even when I don't want to (though I'm still dropping weight - but not TOO much, luckily).  The worst part is... [WARNING: this is where the humiliating nature of the location of this cancer and the surrounding areas and their functions have become SUCH a ridiculous part of my daily life, that I've lost all decorum when it comes to what may or may not be considered " TMI ".  So ...

I am NOT pretty right now. Like wow. Woof. Sort of rocking this interesting underwatery gray-green complexion with added loveliness of brownish-black undereye circles. Any color I do have, which is never a lot to begin with, chemo definitely steals from me. Strangely, as busted as I look right now, I'm still feeling ok. And I am officially beyond half way through this series of treatments. So, can my pasty ass get a "hell yeah" to that? Ok, thanks. Now if you'll pardon me... it's about 7:30pm. Totally bedtime. Xxo, Phoebe

Today I've had more problems with my chemo appointment than before. My white blood cell count was ALMOST too low to do the treatment. But I prevailed! Then, the volunteers who make all of the chemo patients lunch, microwaved some sort of Lean Cuisine lasagna and the smell... oh my god, the SMELL! I was completely nauseated. Needed to cover my face with a blanket and still couldn't deal with it. One nurse gave me a napkin w lavender on it and another gave me an alcohol swab to sniff. Being the weirdo that I am, I preferred the alcohol swab. When all of the stinky nonsense ended, I was told my blood pressure was too low for the Lasix (the drug that makes me pee a lot). And THEN I was having a weird sensitivity in my arm to the speed of the hydration drip, so they had to slow that down, which meant that I'd end up missing my radiation appointment if I had to wait til the end. So THAT meant that I got to go down to radiation with my buddy the IV pole. The awesome part is, ...

Today my wife will be officially halfway with the external radiation and 2/3 (or 4/5, depending on how they decide) done with the chemo. I am relieved and amazed every day that goes by that she is feeling good and upbeat and ready to go. She has weathered some of the worst of this storm much better than some of us; from the first day I've mostly been so panicked I could barely function. I had to drop several things I was doing and just forget about them. I did not have the capacity for my usual 200-projects-at-a-time. For the most part I didn't know what to do and I wished for the first time in my life that I had a real job. A boring, 9-5, do-it-and-forget-it sort of affair... you know, the kind of thing I hate. I wished someone would just give me a shovel and point at where a ditch needed to be. I tried to complete some projects and mostly failed... anything that required an attention span went right in the shitter. Without her folks here I'm not sure how this wou...

I like when the sun shines in the windows here onto my hand with the needle in it because it usually feels so cold.

Seriously.  Every single day, there is something this brings into my life that I did not know the day before. Yesterday we did early Thanksgiving at Ryan's family's house in Mansfield.  It was actually planned before my diagnosis, because Ryan's brother, Evan, will be out of town this week for actual Thanksgiving.  Anyhow, I was feeling 100% fine when we got up.  I ran an errand.  I made stuffing.  I put on make-up and a dress and even brushed my hair. My parents planned to join us, but drove separately in case I ended up feeling cruddy and wanted to leave early.  As we were preparing to leave, Ryan decided it would be fun to get his 1971 Challenger (which rarely sees the outside of the garage) out and drive that down to Mansfield (about an hour south of Cleveland).  I love the Challenger.  Ryan REALLY loves the Challenger.  It didn't seem like a bad idea.  We thought it'd put us in good moods.  Be fun.  Happy. Wrong....

All day today there's been a lovely lady all dressed in green sitting across from me. A few minutes ago, she got my attention and told me she had had Stage III endometrial cancer, has been coming since february, lost her hair, but is ALL CLEAR! I overheard the nurse earlier telling her that her positive mindset definitely helped. So when she told me she was passing her healing energy on to me, i felt so lucky! As we left i stopped to hold her hand briefly and thank her. She pulled one of her bracelets off and pushed it over our clasped hands onto my wrist. Said her girlfriends made them for her. If you ever start to doubt the good in people and the world, get sick. The love out there is truly amazing! Xxo, Phoebe

An hour left to go and then i can say i am 1/3 done with chemo treatments. So that's pretty cool. Still no nausea. Still have all my hair. Still feeling pretty great. The only really negative thing i can say is that my already abnormally sensitive sense of smell is completely out of control. Everything feels like a miserable assault on my sad beak. Especially (sadly) coffee smells. Booooo. Xxo, Phoebe

First chemo was so easy. No nausea. Just a lotta pee, thanks to a little syringe full of a drug called Lassix (thus named, according to my nurse, because it LASsts SIX hours). Because Ryan is just getting over some crappy illness of his own, so he stayed home to avoid sniffling in a room full of people fighting disease. Mum was there all day, helping my foggy brain ask questions. Sat next to Admiral Jack Hunt, who had just transferred to Moll Pavilion from St. John's Westshore, and gave him my tv since his wasn't working. Across from me was a woman whose name I never got. She was there getting IV iron (it was BLACK) for an auto-immune disease. When I told her the Monastery of Poor Clares were praying for me, she was all impressed. So, thanks to my step-mom Mary Pat for visiting them on my behalf. They also mailed me a Green Scapular and they gave me, via MP, a Saint Peregrine medal (the patron saint of cancer patients). I'm wearing it with a wish bone charm Daniela Drok...

So far, the worst side effect has been having to pee 64 times in 5 hours. This shit is gonna be a breeze for a tough girl like me!  ;) Xxo, Phoebe

At some point over this past week, I considered live-blogging my first chemotherapy, but that would probably look about like this: It's pretty uneventful so far. Everyone is nice and my nurse's last name is Nelson, too. That's all for now. :) Thanks to everyone saying prayers and keeping me in their thoughts. I love you all. Xxo, Phoebe