Positively Phoebe

I barely remember my first PET scan.  I was so dazed during that first week after the diagnosis, I honestly barely recalled any of the scan procedure until   I was back in there this morning. I checked in and sat in the waiting room next to my mum, just like I did the first time.  I smirked a little, though, when I had to fill out the form declaring that I was not pregnant.  Yeah.  You guys kinda took that option off the table, thanks. When the guy came to get me and walk me back to the PET scan area, it all started coming back.  But this time, I was not given as much information as the first one.  Back in November, the girl who set me up in the little injection room explained the whole process to me (not that I retained any of it), told me how much of whatever nuclear juice I was getting shot up with, and then when I was left to wait my hour for the stuff to circulate properly before the scan, I fell straight asleep. This time there was NO ...

Before I get to the gratitude... yesterday was a little rough, I'm not going to lie. I spent most of the morning wishing I could un-hear the "worst case scenario" as described by the doctor on Tuesday.  But despite the fact that in my heart I KNOW that is not where we are headed, hearing it did change something in me.  And after thinking a lot about it, I sort of "got" that what it changed was that it made the cancer REAL for me.  Up to that point, I knew I had it.  I knew we were treating it and I knew it was going to go away.  Life wasn't REALLY going to change in a permanent way - just temporarily.  You know.  Til we're done curing me.  But hearing that there was even a teeny tiny outside chance of  "much more than a radical hysterectomy" made the reality of the situation just explode in my face.  I don't want this to make my life change in such a horrific way.  I wasn't ready to accept that and it definitely messed with my hea...