Positively Phoebe

Two weeks ago, one of my coworkers came to me after a doctor's appointment to ask me what a PET scan was like.  Apparently his doc had ordered one up for him because of a lingering "spot" on his lung.  It was last Friday... right before the long weekend.  I urged him to CALL the his doctor Friday afternoon, so that he would not have to wait those three long days to get his results.  But he decided he'd rather wait and not spoil his weekend in case the news was bad.  Tuesday, he called.  And the stupid doctor was not in.  More waiting... I think I was more nervous than he was.  It was like re-living my own PET scan waits. Yesterday, he was out on a job in the morning.  When he came back into the gallery, he came over to me.  And he looked... grim.  The doctor had called.  And the news - not good.  I think that, much in the way that I sort of fuzzed out when my own doctors were telling me details about my cancer, my trea...

So, as I alluded to in last night's post - it's been six months since my diagnosis. THAT'S ALL!  JUST SIX LITTLE MONTHS!!! ...and they were the longest fucking months of my entire life, without a doubt.  It feels like that day in November was 6 YEARS ago.  That day.  That unholy long day of WAITING after the semi-sleepless night in Fairview Hospital WAITING.  My memory is not what it used to be, but I remember so much of it so clearly.  And you know what?  I'm not going to replay it!  Because we all know what happened and how it all ended up - better than one would have ever imagined!  So no rehashing.  Just a happy little cancer-half-versary.  If I could make a cake with a middle finger on it and eat the whole thing today, I would.  But that will not do my new healthy lifestyle any favors, so I'll just move on. And here's an even better pseudo-anniversary: 4 weeks ago today, I got the unexpected (early) calls from both m...

Today was the day we all EXPECTED to get the PET scan results - at my appointment with Dr. Kebria this afternoon.  And even though getting the news surprisingly and excitingly early yesterday was awesome, today's visit was even MORE awesome than we expected. Sitting in the exam room with Dr. Kebria and Erin, I was just beaming.  I had no idea it could get even BETTER - but it seems like that was all that happened.  It just kept getting better and better and better!!! First, Dr. K actually said the words "The cancer is gone."  It was the greatest thing my ears have ever heard.  Until he said, shortly thereafter , "She is more than likely cured."  WHAT?!  Somehow that sentence really drove it home!!!  I was just floored. But that's not all the good news!  (Can you believe it just keeps getting better?)  Those (EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE) PET scans... the ones I thought I'd have to be getting every three, then six, then twelve months? Yeah, ...

I barely remember my first PET scan.  I was so dazed during that first week after the diagnosis, I honestly barely recalled any of the scan procedure until   I was back in there this morning. I checked in and sat in the waiting room next to my mum, just like I did the first time.  I smirked a little, though, when I had to fill out the form declaring that I was not pregnant.  Yeah.  You guys kinda took that option off the table, thanks. When the guy came to get me and walk me back to the PET scan area, it all started coming back.  But this time, I was not given as much information as the first one.  Back in November, the girl who set me up in the little injection room explained the whole process to me (not that I retained any of it), told me how much of whatever nuclear juice I was getting shot up with, and then when I was left to wait my hour for the stuff to circulate properly before the scan, I fell straight asleep. This time there was NO ...

Yeah.  I disappeared for a couple days after I got home from Italy.  Sorry, loves.  Getting home took just about 24 hours between hotel check out, boat to the airport, waiting around Marco Polo airport for our flight, crossing the ocean, going through customs at JFK, suffering through a 5 hour layover, flying another 2 hours home (after the plane seemed to drive halfway to Jersey before actually taking off), collecting my luggage, and getting home and fed by my lovely husband before passing smooth out and sleeping 9 straight hours. I spent the weekend seeing friends and grocery shopping and whatnot before finally returning to work today. Boy was that rough!  I do a lot of the organizational stuff at my place of employment, so I literally spent ALL DAY today going over paperwork and calendars and didn't even get close to doing any actual framing.  And it's flippin' SWAMPED down there.  Holy crap!  I mean, that's awesome and all, but yikes.  Thi...

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is not actually happening to them? Like nothing is real.  Like you're just watching it all happen in a movie or reading about it in a book?  Do you ever feel this disconnected from your own experiences? I think that, in a lot of ways, I have felt this way my whole life.  But since the moment of my diagnosis, that disconnection has gotten so much more consuming.  So much stronger.  So much worse.  And it hasn't gone away.  Not even in beautiful Italia. During this trip, this once in a lifetime trip, I have felt like a lot of the time it isn't even me that's here.  Like I'm just one of the numbers on the blog counter scrolling up and up and up, just reading about it.  And feeling that way makes me feel like I am somehow failing my parents, who put so much money and so much time and thought into making this happen for me.  I feel guilty for not having the mental functionality to plan things and...

Seems like life is getting "back to normal".  Or, you know, the "new normal" they keep talking about, anyhow.  I am feeling ridiculously busy and am beginning to reestablish a social life again!  I spent a lot of time the last few weeks helping my friend Mallorie prepare for her solo art show at William Rupnick Gallery - which finally opened last night!  It was a great show and a great time.  Lots of friends and fun.  I needed it!!!  I've also been spending an absurd amount of time preparing for the Italy trip - which is in FOUR days!  (Holy shit!!)  I'm finishing my laundry today and hoping to be packed by Tuesday so that my last day home, Wednesday, I can feel relaxed and prepared and ready to go on Thursday!!!  I cannot believe it is finally about to happen.  And I'm glad for the timing because I really think just BEING in Italy will keep my mind off of the upcoming PET scan.  I don't want to worry.  I don't ...

Cleveland Clinic called me today to pre-register me for my PET scan on April 3.  Going through the same list of questions I went through during the same phone call four months ago was weird.  I don't want to say it was creepy, but it wasn't far from it.  As I stood there at work on my cell phone answering the list of questions (date of birth, marital status, address, insurance, place of employment, emergency contact, reason for scan...) I could feel myself back in my mum's rental car last November, driving down Lorain Road, past the Dunkin Donuts and the charter school and answering the same questions and writing my confirmation number in my shiny new cancer notebook - only then I was terrified.  This time it was just deja vu. I'm not going to lie.  I am still terrified about my upcoming scan.  I realized recently that several people think that because Dr. Flemming was jazzed about my "beautiful" pink cervix, the cancer must be gone and I must be all bett...

Oh, well perhaps I should tell you the question first? Although it's the question EVERYONE has been asking ME lately, so maybe you already know it: "Are you feeling better, because you seem like you're feeling better??!" So.  As I said above, the answer is... I feel pretty good.  On the one hand, I honestly feel better/healthier than I have in years.  Eating good food, drinking filtered water and exercising regularly is pretty fantastic medicine. But as "normal" or "good" or whatever as I might appear to everyone, I still am struggling.  It's hard to know how to respond to THE QUESTION, though.  You want to agree with people when they tell you that you seem like you're doing so well.  You want them not to worry.  You want to not worry yourself . But the truth is, I do NOT feel normal.  Yeah, I feel healthier, more fit, more positive, and so on.  But I don't feel like the me I was before all of this.  (I'm pretty sure she...

I received a comment on my last post about why it is that I have to wait to find out anything... We were baffled by this in the beginning, too...  I'll do my best to explain why it's really not as big a deal as it seems, so that everyone (including my adorable anonymous comment poster) will understand (at least as well as I understand and can remember with my cloudy brains). First off, Dr. Fleming DID peep my cervix during each of my five brachytherapy sessions.  And every time he said things were looking better and better.  But I guess the deal is, the tumor is still there.  And that is NORMAL.  It's there, but it is in the process of dying.  The brachy nurse practitioner told Ryan that even when they look at it at my follow-up with them in February, it will still be there, just looking all gross and necrotic and dying and stuff.  The radiation, both the external and the brachy, continue to work for weeks after the treatments are over. ...

Tuesday was, as I posted, my final brachytherapy.  I am officially DONE with my cancer treatments. And now.  Now I'm friggin' terrified. During the treatments, I had a goal.  I felt like I was contributing to kicking the tumor's ugly ass right outta there.  I got up every day, and no matter how busted I felt, I went to chemo, I went to radiation, I went to brachy.  And now... now I do nothing.  I wait.  And god help me... I THINK. As of right now, I have NO idea WHEN I will find out if everything we've done, you know, WORKED.  I have "follow-up" appointments scheduled over the next two weeks with Dr. Kebria and Dr. Mastrioanni. But I don't know if either of them will tell me what's next?  How long?  Did it work?  Yadda yadda.  And I'm scared.  And I hate it. I know we have to wait a certain amount of time until they CAN re-scan me to see if it's gone or dead or whatever.  But I don't know how long that is. ...

Hello, Good News! I cannot even begin to express how relieved I am. Ryan's post pretty much sums it up. As the weekend wore on, I began worrying more and more. What if the has cancer spread? What if my bleeding meant endometrial cancer? What if it wasn't actually treatable? What if I had to have a hysterectomy? What if I couldn't work for months and lost my job and, with it, my insurance? What if Ryan or one of my parents had a complete mental breakdown? What if? What if? What if? By the time I fell asleep last night I was so tense and in such an oddball position that I now can barely turn my head all the way to the left. Ouch! But it was all good. My radiation oncologist gave us the good news at my radiation simulation exam this morning where I also got three new tattoos (tiny dots one on each hip and one in the center) to line me up with the lasers for each radiation treatment. Also got to meet with an awesome lady to learn about the chemotherapy. That ...

So, I'm radioactive right now. I even have a card to surrender to homeland security in case I set off any radiation alarms at all those federal buildings and airports I visit on friday nights. No results yet - probably not til Monday morning. But that's ok. Then if the news is bad it doesn't ruin my fun times tomorrow at the Screw Factory Open Studio event.  But it won't be bad. PMA! Xxo, Phoebe

Here's where we are... On Tuesday Phoebe went to the "lady doctor" for a routine checkup. The doctor panicked and sent her across town to an oncologist... who panicked... and sent her to the hospital. After every test they could think of, a dozen blood draws and a night without any sleep we got the bad news on Wednesday. Cervical cancer. About 5cm in size. She was upset. duh. I was upset. We made the difficult mom and dad phone calls. Her mom flew in from CO immediately and is staying here in town (which is awesome!). Her dad was in town by accident and so was already at the hospital. Her other dad is dealing with some health issues of his own, but is here in spirit. Her aunt came and stayed for hours with us in the hospital. My folks are nearby and are ready to do anything they can. Our families are fantastic. We are lucky to be in a city with one of the best hospitals in the world. The Cleveland Clinic's outpatient cancer treatment center also happens to be ...