Positively Phoebe

Earlier this week, I FINALLY received my disability check from the insurance company.  After countless forms, faxes, phone calls (and grumbling under my breath) they agreed that this was NOT a preexisting condition and paid up.  It wasn't much, as I didn't sign up for much when we were given the opportunity at work, but it was enough that I felt comfortable taking a little chunk of it for ME and going shopping yesterday. Daily 1-2 pound fluctuations aside, I have (so far) lost just under 30 pounds since my diagnosis in November.  And the really awesome part of this is that more of it was lost AFTER I finished treatment than during.  Because we really have made the commitment to change our lives and be healthier, eat healthier, live healthier. When I received the cancer news, I had been a size 16 for about a year.  Prior to that (save for about a year where I was managing a furniture warehouse and got all skinny from pushing sofas and armoires out of semi-tru...

Oh, well perhaps I should tell you the question first? Although it's the question EVERYONE has been asking ME lately, so maybe you already know it: "Are you feeling better, because you seem like you're feeling better??!" So.  As I said above, the answer is... I feel pretty good.  On the one hand, I honestly feel better/healthier than I have in years.  Eating good food, drinking filtered water and exercising regularly is pretty fantastic medicine. But as "normal" or "good" or whatever as I might appear to everyone, I still am struggling.  It's hard to know how to respond to THE QUESTION, though.  You want to agree with people when they tell you that you seem like you're doing so well.  You want them not to worry.  You want to not worry yourself . But the truth is, I do NOT feel normal.  Yeah, I feel healthier, more fit, more positive, and so on.  But I don't feel like the me I was before all of this.  (I'm pretty sure she...

Over the past week or so, I'm finally starting to get OUT and see people again.  (Well... people other than Ryan and my parents - who have been my entire social world for a couple months now.)  And getting out and seeing people has made me more aware of how I feel.  It took seeing various friends to really get that I am looking and doing a lot better.  But it's also hard because, as this post title says, better is a long-ass way from normal. This is something that I had not realized would be so difficult to convey to... well... everyone.  I think it has to do with the fact that the people in your life who love and care about you - they WANT you to be "OK."  They feel better if they think you are better.  And that's not a bad thing, but it IS a difficult thing to try to live up to. I mean, sure.  I didn't lose my hair, so when people see me and I look relatively like me old normal self, they are happy.  I keep hearing "You look so good," ...

I got some good news and some bad news yesterday during my 5th chemotherapy session. We'll start with the bad to just get it out of the way.  What I was hoping might be my LAST chemo yesterday, was actually number five of SIX.  They originally told me it was 5 to correspond with the five weeks of radiation, but because of scheduling, my radiation sessions were split up into 2 short weeks and 4 regular ones. So yeah.  One more chemo.  I mean, I guess that's not REALLY bad news.  I'm getting to be a pro at managing the nausea and am actually getting BETTER at making myself eat even when I don't want to (though I'm still dropping weight - but not TOO much, luckily).  The worst part is... [WARNING: this is where the humiliating nature of the location of this cancer and the surrounding areas and their functions have become SUCH a ridiculous part of my daily life, that I've lost all decorum when it comes to what may or may not be considered " TMI ".  So ...