Positively Phoebe

**This post was transferred from the now defunct "The Long Ease" blog.** It's been a hectic few weeks, and I sort of lost track of my blogging.  But I wanted to pop in real quick this evening with a TMI report about my healing. I've been told from the get-go that these oxygen treatments have the best results with radiation injury.  As you likely know, I started the treatments for an injury inside my bladder - therefore the healing progress cannot be gauged visually without an expensive (and in my case, somewhat risky) procedure  (cystoscopy) . The only way to tell if it's working is really just based on how I feel.  I've been hesitant, to say the least, to admit or even believe that I am doing better, but over the past couple weeks, it's really gotten quite obvious: I no longer wake in the night to go to the bathroom, and when I DO have to pee, there is no pain, pressure or discomfort AT ALL.  I no longer wince in pain when my car hits a bump let alo...

I spent last Thanksgiving trying not to puke my chemotherapied guts out down at Ryan's family's house in Mansfield.  I took my very first anti-nausea pill and my very first anxiety pill.  I nibbled crackers and drank ginger ale or sprite or something and hoped I wasn't ruining anyone's holiday.  I worried about how bad Ryan felt that he had decided to drive us down there in his '71 Challenger - not the smoothest, cleanest smelling ride on the planet - and that I had ended up getting sick because of it. And I had cancer. This Thanksgiving I am at home.  I am in remission.  I feel healthier and happier than I can ever remember being.  I am closer to my husband, my family and my friends.  I am filled with wonder and gratitude every single day of my life, now. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for cancer.  I hate it, but I am thankful for all of the things it brought me.  All of the positive things it gave me.  All of the impo...

Can you believe it? My last treatment was SIX MONTH AGO TODAY!!!  I am finding this hard to wrap my head around.  In both directions, honestly.  On the one hand, I feel like I JUST walked out of the Radiation Oncology office at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus, still a little dopey from the drugs, with knitting dad's beautiful scarf freshly wrapped around my neck.  And on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Or even like it wasn't my life at all.  Six months. Ten days from now is my 6 month appointment.  I get to have an exam and pap test, but NO PET scan needed!  Woot!  I keep wondering when I get the official "remission" handed to me.  In my mind, for some reason, it is at 6 months... but I may just be making that up.  I can't remember.  Foggy brain. And speaking of that... it's been a minute since I've done a real lingering-side-effects report, so here is one: Menopause symptoms seem to be MOSTLY under cont...

Just a quick note here... I sent out a few Thank You notes to folks that sent me donations (or soup or something) the other day.  What I realized AFTER I sent them was that I did not really fully explain them... Each note has a small print of my most recent art piece in it.  A piece that I made SPECIFICALLY as a thank you to you all for wishing me well.  So yeah.  That's what that is.  If you open your mail and are like "Why the hell am I getting this weird-ass little print of some weird-ass collage?"  That's why.  Because you are awesome and I have chemo/menopause brain and forgot to tell you. Love love love, Phoebe PS - Also, if you are Gary Sindall, you are the only donation-sender whose address I didn't get and whose email seems to go nowhere.  Please send me your address?

This one deserves it's own post.  I have never felt the way I felt looking at Michelangelo's Pieta before.  It was just incredible...  I wish it wasn't behind glass.  I would SO have touched it!

My mum finally got to go back home this morning.  After 10 weeks in Cleveland caring for me, 6 weeks to prepare for Italy, 2 weeks IN Italy, 2 DAYS back home in Boulder, and then back to Cleveland for another week for test results... she is in the air, on her way back to a normal life where she and knitting dad can make plans of their own!  I could not be happier for them!! Yesterday, we spent our last day together.  Brunch at the Original Pancake House was like metaphorical "end parenthesis" on the cancer experience.  It felt great.  Then I took her down to visit my good friend, Lacey and to meet Lacey's ADORABLE son, Spencer (whom I have been madly in love with since day one).  My mum has been an avid follower of Lacey's blog , and has given her a lot of love and supporting words through all of her struggles, so it was only appropriate to do a visit while she was here and I was no longer sick!!! After an excellent afternoon of girl talk and baby s...

Today was the day we all EXPECTED to get the PET scan results - at my appointment with Dr. Kebria this afternoon.  And even though getting the news surprisingly and excitingly early yesterday was awesome, today's visit was even MORE awesome than we expected. Sitting in the exam room with Dr. Kebria and Erin, I was just beaming.  I had no idea it could get even BETTER - but it seems like that was all that happened.  It just kept getting better and better and better!!! First, Dr. K actually said the words "The cancer is gone."  It was the greatest thing my ears have ever heard.  Until he said, shortly thereafter , "She is more than likely cured."  WHAT?!  Somehow that sentence really drove it home!!!  I was just floored. But that's not all the good news!  (Can you believe it just keeps getting better?)  Those (EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE) PET scans... the ones I thought I'd have to be getting every three, then six, then twelve months? Yeah, ...

When my looked down at my ringing phone this afternoon and saw "Moll Pavillion / Fairview Hospital" on the called ID, I just assumed it was one of those recorded messages reminding me about my appointment tomorrow.  (Never mind that I got that message yesterday.  I was buys and not thinking about that stuff...)  So when the voice on the other end was the Nurse Practitioner who was with me from day one of this ordeal, my heart immediately leaped into my throat.  She was the one who told me that the results of my biopsy were that I had cancer.  So it was only appropriate that she was the one to call me first today... She said that when she saw my results from yesterday's can pop up on her system, she could not wait until tomorrow to call and tell me the good news.  What they saw was exactly what they wanted to see:  no progression of disease, and no residual evidence of the tumor.  I was so in shock.  So stunned.  I s...

I barely remember my first PET scan.  I was so dazed during that first week after the diagnosis, I honestly barely recalled any of the scan procedure until   I was back in there this morning. I checked in and sat in the waiting room next to my mum, just like I did the first time.  I smirked a little, though, when I had to fill out the form declaring that I was not pregnant.  Yeah.  You guys kinda took that option off the table, thanks. When the guy came to get me and walk me back to the PET scan area, it all started coming back.  But this time, I was not given as much information as the first one.  Back in November, the girl who set me up in the little injection room explained the whole process to me (not that I retained any of it), told me how much of whatever nuclear juice I was getting shot up with, and then when I was left to wait my hour for the stuff to circulate properly before the scan, I fell straight asleep. This time there was NO ...

I cannot believe the trip is almost over... After breakfast this morning, we walked along the water for a bit until it was time for our Secret Itineraries Tour of the Doge's Palace. And dudes. SO COOL! If you know me at all, you know I love a secret. And this tour was all about secret rooms, secret passages, secret documents. And it also gave me the opportune to touch ALL KINDS of stuff that I wasn't supposed to touch: desks from like 600 years ago, mirror frames, fire places, benches... Pretty much everything we weren't supposed to touch on this tour I was rubbing me greedy paws all over. Woohoo! We learned all about Casanova, who was imprisoned there and even got to see both the cell he was originally in and tried to escape from, and then the one he was moved to and eventually DID escape from! Oh, Casanova! Once the tour was done, Wendy and I set out in search of a gondola ride... But holy crap!!!! Waaaaaaaaaay too expensive and just not worth it, we decide...

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/WalkampRoll/CFPFY11ILWalknRoll?px=20281277&pg=personal&fr_id=42607 My friend, Nora, is skating in MY honor this year. It really blows my mind and warms my heart. If you can donate to her, please do. She is amazing. I mean, not only is she doing this, but when she was on VACATION in Cleveland last fall after my diagnosis, she spent one of her days cleaning all the dog nose prints off my living room windows for me. Because she is the sweetest... , Phoebe

Today, we had our pre-booked bus tour of Tuscany. We boarded our bus at 8:30 this morning in Florence and our driver, Fabio (!!!) zoomed us straight to Siena, while our tour guide, Agata, told us some junk about the area. When we got there, we met a local tour guide named Donatella, who was a real bitch. She led us around Siena a bit and the we got about a half an hour to explore on our own before meeting back up with the group. I took this opportunity to get a gelato, even though it was like 11 in the morning. From Siena, we continued on to Fattoria Poggio Alloro - an organic farm and vineyard just outside San Gimignano. They showed us through the wine house and then through the barn where I took the opportunity to touch a cow. An organic one. As I was scratching its chin and it licked my wrist with its BLUE TONGUE, I felt sort of sad that it would end up being a delicious organic steak someday. Covered with cow spit, we then headed up to this gorgeous veranda for lunch and ...

This morning we got up early early early and prepared to LEAVE Italy for a few hours. Because, in case you didn't know, Vatican City is its own separate country. And STILL, my passport has not a single stamp in it. Bummed... Regardless of that, however, the Vatican is pretty friggin amazing. Our tour guide took us through a few key spots in there. The first that felt truly noteworthy to me was The Raphael Rooms. Seeing these gorgeous frescoes, some of which I totally remembered in detail from art school, in person was surreal. Like "Am I really here?"... Totally cool. We saw some graffiti from the 1500s, too, which, much like modern day Italian graffiti, is damned unimpressive. Eventually we made our way to the Sistine Chapel. Wendy and I had lost mum in the toilets and were so preoccupied with looking for her in there that it took us several minutes to settle down and look up! And... Wow. It was just amazing. Beautiful. And mind boggling. We stayed in t...

There was NO chocolate cake at breakfast today. Bullshit. The Rome Marathon was today, so there was very little chance of getting many places, as the marathon route pretty much looped the entire city - going past all the big interesting spots. Because I am terrible at deciding what to do, and she is awesome at it, I handed the morning reins to my mum. She decided to lead us to a couple of churches. Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore is the largest Roman Catholic church in Rome dedicated to the holy mother. And it is gorgeous. We trekked the few blocks across town to check this place out, and it was well worth it. Completely beautiful. Gold and marble and frescos and statues and mosaics and room after room of just WOW! We even managed to be there as a Sunday mass was starting, so we got to see some of that, which is pretty damn impressive. Singing and pipe organ and a lot of Italian yammering about "o padre" and somebody named "Christie"? Anyhow, I wa...

Uh... So I slept for like 12 hours. Well, no. I was awake for around 2 hours in the middle of the night, but was in bed for 12 hours. During those two awake hours, I just laid in my uncomfortable-ish bed smiling. I seriously could not stop myself from just grinning like a spastic. I really cannot believe we are here. After my epic slumber, day two began with a much needed shower and then a fabulous breakfast buffet at the hotel. All I can say about that is: Best. Coffee. Ever. And in my opinion, all breakfast buffets should include chocolate cake. Just sayin. Following breakfast, we decided to go full on tourista, and got tickets for one of those open topped, double decker, hop on hop off bus tours. Jumped on and hit the upper deck. There was supposedly narration, but their little earbuds did not fit in my tiny ears, so I decided I didn't really care what they were saying anyhow - I just wanted to SEE some things. Didn't really even care what. Hell, the "pl...

So, let me tell you WHY I received this photo from knitting dad today: That's my mum. That's two glasses of champagne. And I received this at around noon their time. So why were my parents, who barely drink at all, swigging champagne for lunch today? Because of the news I got at today's follow-up appointment with my brachytherapy oncologist, Dr. Fleming. As I laid on the exam table, feet in the stirrups, he looked in there and announced "What a beautiful cervix." The nurse nodded in agreement. It was such an odd exchange, it took me a minute to register what they were saying... See, when Ryan booked this appointment for me last month (on the day of my final brachy) he asked them if they would be able to tell by today if the tumor was gone. And the answer was NO - that what they would see would be a necrotic, dying, sloughing away tumor. So really, we went in there today with no real expectations. So, when I finally wrapped my head around...

First of all - I forgot to tell you.  I found my original posi+ivi+y bracelet that my friend Kristin sent me.  It was in the laundry that I did this weekend.  YAY!  I am now wearing it again, plus the GR ATTITUDES one the Alexa's Angels ladies sent me, plus the red posi+ivi+y bracelet that I bought for myself when I thought the original one was gone.  A little extra PMA never hurts, right? Secondly, I just have to share that I had a really nice weekend.  I did a bunch of thrifting, which was not only fun but somewhat necessary as I am now swimming in a lot of my clothing.  New (used) duds are a great mood lifter.  And cheap!  I had nice phone chats with both tattoo-dad and mum.  I got to hang out with my bro, Steve Brown and his lovely wife, Jenni, on Sunday.  An amazing pair, these two, and always hilarious.  Laughter really is excellent medicine!  Amid all of that, I also managed to do a bunch of laundry, wo...

Remember when I posted a couple days ago about the message I received from the woman from Alexa's Angels ?  And how they wanted to send me something? Well, I got it!  A lovely package with some posi+ivi+y bracelets and a great bracelet I hadn't seen before that says "GRATITUDES" on 10 separate beads.  The little card this bracelet came on says "Gratitude is the memory of the heart. Use each bead to count 10 things you are grateful for everyday!"  As I just started my little gratitude journal, I think this is a perfectly timed gift! The best part of the package wasn't really any of the goodies themselves, but the card they sent along with them.  I was so touched and couldn't not share the lovely note with you all... Next time I am in Colorado visiting my parents, I am going to have to go find their offices and hug these great ladies!   And then the outside of the card asked a simple question: I am so...

Yesterday I went for my fourth of six colon hydrotherapy appointments.  Two thirds of the way through these procedures and I still feel like they are SO STRANGE!  But good.  I've felt better this past week, even WITH a nasty cold, than I have in literally years.  Maybe it's that.  Maybe it's the exercise. Yeah.  You heard my chubby ass right.  Exercise.  Me.  No foolin'. This past week, I bought a rebounder.  And now EVERY morning, regardless of how I feel, the first thing I do... well... I pee first, so the SECOND thing I do... is bounce.  Bouncing for ten minutes every morning is a great way to start the day.  It circulates the lymph, which not only boosts the immune system, but it just makes you feel GOOD.  I plan to work my way up to 20 minutes a day over time, but 10-15 is still pretty excellent!  I've also been going back to yoga class with my buddy Ben (taught by my good friend Laura) on Wednesday...

Early on in my cancer battle, I got a small package in the mail from my friend, Kristin.  First off, the package was filled with dozens of hearts - cut out by hand from magazines.  They (of course) went everywhere when I opened it.  Which I loved.  I saved them all and because I thought they were so wonderful, I hung them all over the walls in my art room around one of my desks there.  The one that I surrounded with lovely art and gifts from beautiful friends and family: Also inside the package was a little organza bag with three bracelets in it, all the same.  Just simple black elastics with little silver tubes on them that said : posi+ivi+y on them.  There was also a small card in the bag that explained that you should keep one bracelet and share the other two with people who need some positivity!  I immediately gave one to my mum, and a few days later the other went to my friend, Mallorie.  I loved the idea of giving this positive gif...