Positively Phoebe

When I wrote the other day about that thing that was upsetting me, I actually woke up all amped to write this glowing happy post about my amazing and wonderful weekend - filled with positive, wonderful, spontaneous awesomeness.  Going to do that now.  (Unfortunately, it will likely include less detail as my short term memory still suffers from a fog that I cannot tell whether is post-chemo or menopause based.) Saturday. I texted my friend, Ruth, early to try to take care of some business and she ended up inviting me to go thrifting with her.  I LOVE thrifting, I had no real plans, obviously I said "HELL YES!"  It was an afternoon of scores including, but not limited to, a maybe-worn-three-times pair of $125 Dansko clogs for eight bucks, a majorly Mad Men-esque, beautiful vintage dress that I can ALMOST fit into (maybe another 5 pounds and I'm in it), for $3, and a pile of crazy silverware for an as yet un-revealed home improvement project.  While we were p...

That being the case, I figured this morning I would bring you all back into my humiliating world of post-treatment side effects. Today's installment of self-inflicted humiliation will revolve around the dreaded vaginal dilator. I HATE THIS THING!!!!! Seriously, I know I will hate it less if I use it more, but GAWD!  It is just terrible.  It hurts.  It makes me cramp.  It makes me bleed.  And the really sad part is... it's pretty small.  Like, its diameter is considerably LESS than the average wiener, and definitely less than that of the one I'm spending the rest of my life with.  Ahem... Every doctor appointment, they tell me "If you're having regular sex (at least 3 times a week), you won't NEED to use the dilator."  Excuse me, but I have not had sex three times in the past YEAR, people!  I was bleeding like a stuck pig for 11 months and then going through horrific cancer treatments for 3 months and the remaining side effect...

Oh, well perhaps I should tell you the question first? Although it's the question EVERYONE has been asking ME lately, so maybe you already know it: "Are you feeling better, because you seem like you're feeling better??!" So.  As I said above, the answer is... I feel pretty good.  On the one hand, I honestly feel better/healthier than I have in years.  Eating good food, drinking filtered water and exercising regularly is pretty fantastic medicine. But as "normal" or "good" or whatever as I might appear to everyone, I still am struggling.  It's hard to know how to respond to THE QUESTION, though.  You want to agree with people when they tell you that you seem like you're doing so well.  You want them not to worry.  You want to not worry yourself . But the truth is, I do NOT feel normal.  Yeah, I feel healthier, more fit, more positive, and so on.  But I don't feel like the me I was before all of this.  (I'm pretty sure she...

Yesterday, I went to my "Life After Cancer" class.  Overall, it was informative, though little of the information presented was new to me.  Except for the fact that the recent numbness in my toes is likely a side effect of the Cisplatin I was given in chemotherapy, which I believe the nurse referred to as "coasting neuropathy."  Supposedly, this little bit of annoyance can begin around a month after treatment ends and last up to a year.  Joy!  Aside from that, though, there was just a lot of talk about "the new normal", coping with fatigue, changing diet and exercise habits, et cetera. While most of what was discussed was useful in a broad sense, I could not help but feel like I was not REALLY a part of this group.  There were 5 other cancer survivors in the class with me.  Four of them - breast cancer survivors (not sure about the fifth - it never came up).  SO, right off the bat, not only were their treatments different (and less inv...

This morning I had my follow-up appointment with my second doctor, Dr. Mastroianni.  Radiation Oncology at Moll Pavilion is where I went every day for 5 weeks, so despite the fact that what I went through as a result of those visits was tantamount to torture... it was really nice to see some of the techs and nurses who made that whole process a lot easier on me.  (More on that in a minute...) Basically, this appointment went well.  Most of the noticeable negative side effects have gone on their way - my skin is looking and feeling almost normal (but smoother and softer - hidden plus), my miserable bowels seem to be getting back to normal, etc. etc.  The go-ahead to go back to work tomorrow was given, with the reminder that I will likely not be able to do as much as I was used to doing right away - and with the advice that that is OK!  Awesome nurse Jen said, "If you can only work 4 hours, then only work 4 hours."  One thing I have learned through all...

Overall, our night away at Mohican was nice.  The entire lodge was almost deserted.  Like, seriously, I think there may have been 2 other people staying there.  We arrived about an hour before sunset, so we didn't get to see TOO much before giving up and going to get dinner (in the EMPTY lodge restaurant... where they managed to charge my credit card THREE TIMES for the meal - I am still fighting with them).  After a mediocre overpriced (even at just ONE swipe of the card) dinner and dessert, we just went back to our room to be overwhelmed by the hundreds of channels available on their satellite tv. What happened after that, I will not go into detail about - although I am sure you can imagine... Suffice it to say that it was the first time in nearly a year that this thing happened.  Between the bleeding leading up to the diagnosis and the discomfort of the treatments that followed it, well, I hadn't been feeling too sexy.  Since this has, however, been a ...